By December of 2015, I had hit rock bottom with my weight. I was at a point where I couldn’t even look at myself. I refused to take pictures with friends or my boyfriend (my profile picture was so old, my hair color had changed twice over). I didn’t want to go out because I was in fear of running into an old flame or acquaintance (If looking good is your best revenge…I was shit out of luck). I even went to extreme lengths to keep the lights dim to prevent catching a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a mirror. And worse, I felt awful all the time. Exhausted. Weak. Foggy. Everyday a new pain. I blamed it on getting older. I blamed it on Epstein-barr (which was partially responsible). But truth is, I knew I could feel better if I just made the effort. I knew something had to change. Big time. And there was only one way to do that.
Five years ago, I met my boyfriend, Andrew. I was at my slimmest, constantly active and health conscious (sadly, even then at a mere 120 lbs, I thought I was fat. Oh, to be that weight again! I’d appreciate it so much more than I did). Fast forward through years of dining out, late nights baking together, and weekends filled with wine and cheese or beer and salty snacks, and here I am, 30 lbs heavier and asking myself how the hell did this happen? I was just skinny a minute ago. I didn’t believe in scales. I never got on one. Ever. You should base it on the way you feel in your clothes, I would tell myself. But at a 150 lbs, my clothes were sticking to my body like glue. I resorted to Spanx before retiring to leggings because any bit of pressure around my stomach or rib cage caused severe debilitating gas pain and bloating. I had to rid of half my wardrobe in lieu of oversized t-shirts and elastic waistbands.
My boyfriend noticed. He wouldn’t come out and say “Hey, there pudgster” or “Lay off the pasta, Meatball” (he was smart enough not to…). It was more subtle. He noticed I’d take my clothes with me into the bathroom to change, which I never did before. He also suddenly began suggesting exercise as a solution for everything:
Bad mood? Exercise!
Stomach Ache? Exercise!
Can’t afford your student loans? Exercise!
The subtly progressed to “It’s a little late to be eating, Tostitos, no?” and “I’m so full. How are you still eating?” I tried to be thick-skinned but I couldn’t help but take it personally.
My boyfriend’s poking was the least of my problems. I was miserable, moody, lethargic, and depressed. I blamed it on my life. My job. My family. I didn’t correlate any of this to my weight, initially. In fact, it wasn’t until I was amid my fitness journey that I realized there was any connection. I needed a change, and like most of the population, on New Years Eve I vowed that 2016 was going to be my year. I refused to simply resolve to “lose weight.” No, that was too typical. I had to call it: a journey. The year of change. The year of progress. The year I would be my best self. (Hey, whatever works.).
And so, that January I begin with decluttering my fridge and cabinets of disreputable food (aka: sugar and starch) and filled it with the A Team: fresh veggies and lean proteins. I limited my fruit intake and cut calories ( this calorie calculator helped me decipher what my daily calorie intake should be). Then I said a long, hard goodbye to dairy. If I was going to do this, I was going to do it all the way.
When I told friends I was detoxing, I got the spiel: You don’t need to lose weight. You’re not fat. I wish I weighed that. Yadda yadda yadda. Yes, I knew I was far from obese but I was uncomfortable in my own skin, and everyone has their own “comfort weight.” Mine was not 150 lbs. At only 5′ 2″, any weight you gain seems to be magnified. And, according to this Ideal Body Weight Calculator, I was actually 20 lbs overweight (yes, I know I shouldn’t put much stock into this – ideal weight depends on several different factors). Although my friends made me feel good, I knew it was time. I knew I was ready. Being mentally prepared for sacrifice and discipline is half the battle.
Exercise. I don’t hate it but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it takes me a whole lotta motivation to get up and going. I didn’t do it right away. I lost a good 10-15 lbs before my body even felt good enough to move and groove. The great thing about exercising is: there’s something for everyone. Some people dig high impact, high intensity like kickboxing and crossfit, while I’m more of a slow paced, stretch-it-out and relax type of girl (yoga, pilates). I started with yoga classes once or twice a week, then started to crave more, so I began walking around the block. Before long, my walk turned into a walk-run, until I could fully run a mile without stopping.
By April, I was down 20 lbs. I still had another 10 to go but I felt fantastic. I had people asking me how I did it. There was no big secret. Just dedication and discipline. I stayed on course (with a few cheats here and there, but never enough to derail me).
Honest-to-God: it’s not easy. It never is. The first 3 or 4 days of my sugar detox, I was super irritable, hungry, and at times, dizzy. The good news was: it didn’t last long. My bloating and gas pain ceased to exist in only a matter of days. After two weeks, all my cravings disappeared. You could eat a bag of bagels right in front of me or slap a box of doughnuts on my desk, and I genuinely didn’t want them—I made jokes that I did (“C’mon! Why would you do that to me?”)—but the truth of the matter is, I didn’t miss those foods at all. I felt too good to miss them. The best part of it all was how good I felt physically and mentally. Things rolled off my back quickly. I was more confident and I became more productive in work because I was alert and energetic. Overall, I felt like my best self.
My advice to you should you begin your own fitness journey this year:
- Prep is Key. What the best way to derail yourself? Wake up 5 minutes before you need to be in work with nothing prepared. What do you do? Grab the nearest snack bar and tell yourself it’s not that bad. Or be forced to spend money and hunt down something you can eat. It’s not wise. Mistakes can easily be made this way. Your best bet is to prep your food in advance. If you can prepare your food on Sunday night for the entire week – snacks and all, you won’t be tempted by quick cheats if your blood sugar is low or your stomach starts growling. It really has been the key to my success.
- Give Yourself a Break Once a Week. The more you deny yourself, the more your inner teenager will want to rebel. Don’t make it harder on yourself. Dedicate a particular day for cheat meals ( the weekend is your best bet. I find it easier to stay on track while I’m on a schedule at work, rather than the free-for-all that is the weekend). Then, instead of feeling depressed or tempted to binge, save it for your cheat day. My only additional advice is try not to go too wild on cheat day. Sticking sugar back in your body is similar to a recovering alcoholic having a glass of wine–you’ve had a taste again and it’s going to be harder for you once Monday comes. You might have to go through that initial detox struggle again. With that being said, it is your cheat day. Do as you please.
- Tag Team. Fitness journeys are always easier when you have a bud to journey with. You support and motivate each other, and mainly, vent to each other. And lets be honest. Secretly, it’s a bit of a friendly competition. You won’t admit that but if the results are you’re both working harder on staying on track: so be it.
- Don’t fear the scale (and don’t obsess over it either) This may be a bit controversial because what I’m about to say is not for everyone but I stepped on that dreaded scale every.single.day. Now, bear in mind, your weight depends on several factors: age, sex, height, etc. Everyone’s different. Someone at 5’6″, 170 lbs may appear thinner than someone who’s 5’1″ and 140 lbs. They may be in better shape or a few sizes smaller so take your weight with a grain of salt. The reason why weighing myself everyday worked for me is that it taught me a lot about my body. What worked for me and what didn’t. It let me stay in control. I realized that if I fell off the wagon once in a blue with a piece of chocolate or a bowl of pasta—I rarely if ever saw a difference in my weight the next day. And if I was getting obsessive with numbers or disheartened if I didn’t go down half-a-pound, then I would step back and have a talk with myself. This worked well when I just changed my eating habits. Once I introduced exercise, I was gaining here and there but I knew to expect that and it was nothing to worry about.
Today, I have kept the weight off and remained at a steady 132 lbs. Okay, I didn’t get to my ideal goal and high school weight of 120 lbs but I feel comfortable and happy (I’m also not ruling it out. Like all things, it takes time). I exercise regularly whether its yoga, hiking, bike riding, or tennis—whatever keeps me moving. My eating habits are clean with a few blunders here and there but I never get down on myself anymore. I have kept the weight off by following my tips above. If you’re going through your own fitness journey right now, I hope my story will encourage and inspire you! It’s never too late, EVER, to be your best self. Have a healthy and happy 2017!
